Darkness to Light.

My raw and messy feelings of the end of my Peace Corps Service.

My world was truly rocked in September. As you can read early on in this blog Peace Corps was a dream of mine since I was 18. I wanted to complete my BA (which took me a little longer than the average person but gained some other valuable life experience) and then serve with the Peace Corps. I did just this. It felt like I was on a roll, accomplishing 2 major goals of mine. I am thankful we caught the cancer. It was on chance that we caught it. I did not have any blaring signs or symptoms. I received quick and wonderful medical care both in Fiji and in Minnesota. However, I couldn't process the fact that I had cancer fully because my heart was shattered into a million pieces when I was told I 'couldn't'  return to Fiji as a Peace Corps Volunteer. A lot of people have questioned my feelings on this. Saying this happens to a lot of volunteers. Medical happens. Oh well. Move on. Peace Corps isn't a job. Apply for appeal in a few months. And on and on. While I can see how all of these things may cross someone's mind on the outside looking into my life, for me I saw it different. My world felt rocked. The way in which PC medical treated ME (I can't speak for others) was in my mind discrimination against cancer. They were so focused on their black and white policies they were unable to consider a reasonable accommodation, best for ALL. Some people would say those things to me and this is what I felt inside.. Apply for appeal in a few months? Does anyone understand what that means for the community I was serving? So they should just reserve my house for me im case I can come back. They should cancel their live animal project or in the least be extremely let down by Peace Corps and myself? To have me come back, maybe, in a few months to say what..sorry for bailing with no goodbye but hey I'm back let's start all over? Oh and can I have my house back again that someone else is now living in? To leave all of my things in the house or have PC mail 100lbs of it to me in Minnesota only to, maybe, repack and head back in a few months? To find health insurance somehow, someway for a few months,but nope can't search for jobs or move on in any way because I *might* be able to go back in a few months. To buy a car and phone to, maybe, have to cancel and sell in a few months? Oh or just sit in my parents' basement for another few months. Peace Corps and people talk about it like it aint no thang to wait months and reapply, appeal, etc. The lack of empathy and support from some people did not help my already difficult situation. After amazing support from the majority of friends, family and strangers I returned to Fiji only to be unwelcomed by my fellow volunteers. Although I returned to do my same work and live in my same house, I no longer was under PC. I was kicked out of the fb groups which sounds so silly but it was tough for me. To see pictures of other volunteers meeting up and planning holidays and projects was tough. I now was doing all the same hard work but minus the PC support system. I didn't have PC doctors or nurses to run to when my tummy hurt. I didn't have other volunteers to vent to when I had a tough day. I now, more than ever, had to rely on my village and Fijian community. I had to work through my feelings of being diagnosed with cancer and losing my 'job' (security, support, finances, healthcare, reputation)  on my own. In that 3.5 months I was back in Fiji without PC my language skills improved immensely. I started to gain true Fijian friends, sharing intimate life stories with friends just like I would share with friends here in the US. I had this freedom to follow my heart and do what I felt was right without having to worry about if it fell into Peace Corps policies. I grew more in that 3.5 months than in my first year in Fiji. So here I am feeling thankful for the chance to be pushed further than gastro issues and difficult setbacks but to a point I never imagined possible.

**To come very soon, final wrap up and review of my projects.

Poultry Farm COMPLETE!

Today is THE DAY! The Poultry Farm will be complete!!!

The first two months of laying eggs has given the youth tertiary scholarship fund over $300! Two youth will have their University fees aided by the poultry project this semester.

The youth continue to discuss ways to be smart and make the profit margin even higher. So proud. Way to go Dakuivuna Youth! And THANK YOU, VINAKA VAKALEVU to all who supported us.

 
30 youth* (* youth in Fiji is anyone out of school and not married..generally 18-30year olds) spent the entire day today digging the trench for the pvc piping to go into running from the village out to the poultry farm. They dug, glued pvc together, buried the pvc, dug some more, cut and measured, mixed cement, painted, hammered, sawed, nailed....all in the hot Fiji sun. The chickens will now have access to the village water (which comes from a dam)...no more clogs in the water from the dirty rain water and no more carrying water out to the farm everyday.

We did it. The people who donated. The youth. We did it. And let me tell you..it was not easy. We had our fair share of major setbacks.

An Introvert in an Extrovert's World

Living in Fiji as an introvert...

**disclaimer: these are all things that I LOVE about Fiji but they are things that as an introvert I have found to be challenging. Fijians are SO friendly, welcoming and generous.

After spending 8 days away from my village and on an outer island, Kadavu..I found myself reflecting..

At first, I thought it was because I was American..but that I would adopt and flourish in the culture like I have in any other experience immersing into the unknown. I realize now, after a week away in a new village, a lot of the reason I struggle is because I am more introverted than I was in my younger years. I have learned to find peace with myself and be okay with being alone...actually more than ok....I enjoy being alone, it is how I "recharge". (An extrovert would likely get this same charge by chatting with friends or going to a function.) This is far from who I used to be...afraid of being left out, always wanting to be with friends, serious FOMO disorder.

Here are a few examples of daily experiences that drain me..they each take some of my charge away.

*If in public (which is anywhere others will see you..which is nearly everywhere..grocery store, sidewalk, outside your house, at work, on a boat) and you want to have a snack or buy a soda...you will need to share, with whoever is nearby you, friend, or complete stranger on the bus.

*People will tell you to eat more "kana..kana vakalevu", eat this, eat that, do you want more "dua tale", or they may just put something on your plate. Fijians want you to enjoy their food and they want to take care of you. I love to eat but I can't say I am a fan of being on display while I eat. I had to say no thank you, "vinaka", probably 10 times in one meal this week.

*If you go somewhere alone it assumed you are lonely and do not actually want to be alone. Today I went and sat under a mango tree to catch some breeze, be alone, and just think..relax..try to recharge. I was there less than 2 minutes and an adorable older woman a sweet smile came and sat next to me and wanted to small talk. I know why she was there. She thought I wanted someone to be there. I wish I had the charge to have engaged...but I didn't. It was the 8th day of no days of recharging. I had to excuse myself and walk away. I felt terrible, but I couldn't do it. Small talk isn't something introverts excel at to begin with, on a full charge.

As an introvert, I just want to blend in. I want to eat with everyone and have no special attention given to me. Everyone at the meal will pay attention to exactly what and how much I eat. This week was especially challenging because unlike in my village, where I have my own house, I was literally "on" for 8 days. I learned many new things and enjoyed the new people and exposure. But..it was 8 days with no recharging. I noticed on day 5 is when I had completely run out. Nearly everything anyone did began to annoy me. I needed to have some me time but there was literally no opportunity. Not even when I was sleeping. Fijians often sleep in a large room all together..like a slumber party.

Relief sprinkled with grief

I have been back in Fiji for nearly 3 weeks and it has been a huge relief. Returning was like I had never left. My house is the same. People are the same. Chickens are still clucking. The sun is still hot. But as I reflect, there are a lot of things that have changed.

While I am here, I have to miss the remaining trainings and gatherings of Peace Corps Volunteers. Next week all of the volunteers from my group will be meeting for their MST, Mid Service Training. It is an exciting time they all get together and have proper training on how to begin to think about closing out their service, making the most of their remaining 12 months, etc. I did not get any of this. No guidance besides a pamphlet on how to transition and job search. I didn't get closure to my Peace Corps service. And I will not ever be all together with my fellow volunteers again.

Here's the thing. Ending your service, involuntary, a year early..well it takes away a lot of the unnoticed benefits of Peace Corps Fiji. Most Peace Corps volunteers while expressing support and well wishes on facebook, none have made an effort to connect. Not one has contacted me via phone or invited me to the PC Thanksgiving despite me embarrassingly trying to invite myself, twice. Peace Corps is like a club and when people leave PC, willingly or not, it's like they are no longer allowed into the clubhouse. It's a weird experience and not one I was prepared for. My closest PC friends have moved on from our friendship and are thriving and surviving with their own new relationships and projects.

The school and students were unable to give me any sort of farewell. It is the end of the school year and because I am not PC I am no longer, technically, given permission by the Ministry of Education, to teach. When we had a volunteer from England here for 6 months there was a big party thrown for him to say goodbye. Many awesome gifts and speeches were shared. I was looking forward to celebrating this when it was my time.

All of this is sad but I am completely and utterly happy. I would welcome any of the above things to change. But living in my village and completing my work without Peace Corps is not an easy task but it is a worthwhile and fulfilling one. The village fully recognizes what it means that I came back, on my own. They know what I have sacrificed. I am realizing that the second year of a person's service is often the most rewarding. It is when all of the hard work towards integration, projects, friendships, all comes together and life becomes much more free flowing. Life is more smooth now. I know what to expect each season of weather. I know the dynamics of the village. I finally know most people's names (that was so hard). I am confident in navigating the culture and asking for help.

I wish it could have ended like it was planned. 27 months in service. While others may not notice the 14 months short on my resume, I notice it. It will forever pinch me that Peace Corps Medical, a branch of the company-the people who promote relationships and sustainability, were unable to treat me as an individual and an employee in the end but only as "cancer". I continue to fight my fight with them on discrimination while enjoying my next 3 months here in Dakuivuna.

All our hardwork...still waiting on the reward.

You guys. In January 2016 my youth in the village and I began discussing and planning for their next project for the year. They told me their number one idea was a poultry farm because it was income generating and something new they wanted to try. We worked SO hard to research, plan, get quotations, fundraise, in kind, and discuss. We were surprised by the Fiji Ministry of Youth and Sports who chose us for their small grant opportunity. It was exciting and wonderful. Due to some miscommunication and pressure to turn the grant information in only a week after being notified it was available....we ended up with 89 live day old chicks in 2 boxes on our "doorstep". It was hard to complain..they were free. But we were not prepared yet. We first needed the building materials, feed, lighting, etc that we planned to fundraise for and seek assistance from Peace Corps. We kicked it into high gear and people donated roofing iron, wood, and cement from their own homes. People gave the small change they had so we could purchase feed. People from our village with jobs in the city sponsored us with buying lights and feed. It was a bit stressful but we did it with only losing a few chickens (a miracle seriously). I kicked it into high gear and got the remaining info needed to write our Peace Corps proposal. It took me 4 HOURS to write the final grant proposal in July. I turned it in..phew! Then there was a long delay in the grant review process. We were finally notified on September that it was approved!!!.....the same day I was being sent to America for medical. But no worries, I would be back in two weeks, right when the money would be cleared. WRONG. Yet another obstacle. Because I was "medically separated" from the Peace Corps I no longer could accept the (finally) fully funded grant (over $3000USD). This amount is less now due to the youth being forced to in kind and get creative the last 4 months.

While I am going back to Fiji and the village and youth have only expressed well wishes for my health...it is not fair for them. Or me. We put in SO much work. You have no idea. And so I decided to raise money. I need a little bit to help me get back there (no more Peace Corps stipend). And then I want to be able to show up with some of that expected financial support. The village fed me often, kept me safe, gave me a house and most importantly have become my family. I can follow through on this promise to them. But..I need your help.

Please consider donating. I will post updates on my blog of how the project is going. Here are some pictures from the the last 4 months.

****having issues with the link...will be fixed shortly..but for now please copy and paste it into your browser.

https://www.gofundme.com/missy-back-to-fiji-and-dakuivuna-2uxmtysk?ssid=778045777&pos=1

Warai Kila

October is a big month in Fiji.
... I should be hosting  a volunteer from the new group in my village for 5 days. I should be getting ready to celebrate my village's anniversary, Dakuivuna Day. I should be saying my goodbyes to the group of volunteers from the year before me.  I should be getting ready to celebrate Fiji's Independence Day.

I know everything will be okay. It will. But right now, it sure is difficult to understand.

All down hill

On August 17th (3 days before my birthday) I went to Suva and had an ultrasound done. I had been having some minor issues with my menstrual cycle and so the gynecologist wanted to have a ultrasound done just to rule out something like a benign polyp. My uterus scan was clear and those issues I was having have since self-resolved. However, that day the lab technician found a mass inside of my bladder. The next week I saw a Urologist and had a repeat scan. Mass was still there. And so Peace Corps Medical wanted to send me overseas. After confusing reasoning for wanting to send me to New Zealand, and then Thailand, Peace Corps finally said to go home. No one communicated anything to me except that I was going. But okay, so I go. I meet with a urologist in Minnesota who in my first visit seeing him does a simple and fast look inside of my bladder through a cystoscopy. It took less than 2 minutes and we were in his office and he confirmed the scan findings. We scheduled surgery and the following week I had surgery, removal and biopsy of the tumor.  Pathology confirmed it was low grade, non invasive bladder cancer.

Fun Fact: 9 out of 10 people in the United States with bladder cancer are over the age of 55. And 75% of those people are men.

It was successfully, fully removed and no other treatment such as chemotherapy would be necessary. There is a chance of reoccurance but with check ups would be simple and easy to remove once again. The doctor wrote in his notes for me to have a cystoscopy done in 3-6months. Again, the cystoscopy was that very simple and fast peek inside of my bladder while I was awake and in his office. So that means in my year of service remaining in Fiji, I would need ONE simple, fast check up that is very routine for a Urology Specialist...who I have already met and seen in Fiji. He is familiar with what he would be looking for in reoccurance as it it likely to come back the same way it did the first time, if it comes back.

Peace Corps has said they will not let me return. At first they hardly gave any information as to why this decision was made saying, "we are more comfortable with you having care in America." Great, awesome Peace Corps. But I don't need any form of care until 6 months from now so why am I not going back for a minimum of 6 months? In 6 months I could have a cystoscopy in Fiji with the Urologist I have met, my Urologist in Minnesota is comfortable with and I am comfortable with. It is his speciality and this is again a routine, simple,  non invasive check. It would be like a gynecologist giving a female a pap smear...IF at that check up something was found I would completely understand Peace Corps separating me from my service at that time. Shoot, they could even send me home FOR the cystoscopy at 6 months and I would accept a medical separation at that time..even though I the test could come back clear. Because what does 6 more months in country mean? It means I can assist my youth in finishing their poultry farm project we started in July. The same project in which I JUST had thousands of dollars deposited into my account from my approved Peace Corps grant that me and my youth group spent months preparing. I could prepare my community , village, counterparts, teachers, coworkers, students, boyfriend and friend for my departure. I could attend a scheduled Let Girls Learn Conference and bring my counterpart, building up their sustainability in Family Life Educatiom-our purpose in Fiji. I could attend the mid service conference for Peace Corps Volunteers. I could search for a job..better preparing myself mentally, physically, financially and with insurance...this would make the most sense for my health. I could say goodbyes and all parties involved could have closure.

Cancer is a scary word. But Between now and 6 months from now that's all it is..a word.. I do not need any care. 6 months is a long time in the world of Peace Corps. So why do they want to make the extreme, conservative, unfair decision to kick me out of the Peace Corps RIGHT NOW? I still am not clear on that.

P