Darkness to Light.

My raw and messy feelings of the end of my Peace Corps Service.

My world was truly rocked in September. As you can read early on in this blog Peace Corps was a dream of mine since I was 18. I wanted to complete my BA (which took me a little longer than the average person but gained some other valuable life experience) and then serve with the Peace Corps. I did just this. It felt like I was on a roll, accomplishing 2 major goals of mine. I am thankful we caught the cancer. It was on chance that we caught it. I did not have any blaring signs or symptoms. I received quick and wonderful medical care both in Fiji and in Minnesota. However, I couldn't process the fact that I had cancer fully because my heart was shattered into a million pieces when I was told I 'couldn't'  return to Fiji as a Peace Corps Volunteer. A lot of people have questioned my feelings on this. Saying this happens to a lot of volunteers. Medical happens. Oh well. Move on. Peace Corps isn't a job. Apply for appeal in a few months. And on and on. While I can see how all of these things may cross someone's mind on the outside looking into my life, for me I saw it different. My world felt rocked. The way in which PC medical treated ME (I can't speak for others) was in my mind discrimination against cancer. They were so focused on their black and white policies they were unable to consider a reasonable accommodation, best for ALL. Some people would say those things to me and this is what I felt inside.. Apply for appeal in a few months? Does anyone understand what that means for the community I was serving? So they should just reserve my house for me im case I can come back. They should cancel their live animal project or in the least be extremely let down by Peace Corps and myself? To have me come back, maybe, in a few months to say what..sorry for bailing with no goodbye but hey I'm back let's start all over? Oh and can I have my house back again that someone else is now living in? To leave all of my things in the house or have PC mail 100lbs of it to me in Minnesota only to, maybe, repack and head back in a few months? To find health insurance somehow, someway for a few months,but nope can't search for jobs or move on in any way because I *might* be able to go back in a few months. To buy a car and phone to, maybe, have to cancel and sell in a few months? Oh or just sit in my parents' basement for another few months. Peace Corps and people talk about it like it aint no thang to wait months and reapply, appeal, etc. The lack of empathy and support from some people did not help my already difficult situation. After amazing support from the majority of friends, family and strangers I returned to Fiji only to be unwelcomed by my fellow volunteers. Although I returned to do my same work and live in my same house, I no longer was under PC. I was kicked out of the fb groups which sounds so silly but it was tough for me. To see pictures of other volunteers meeting up and planning holidays and projects was tough. I now was doing all the same hard work but minus the PC support system. I didn't have PC doctors or nurses to run to when my tummy hurt. I didn't have other volunteers to vent to when I had a tough day. I now, more than ever, had to rely on my village and Fijian community. I had to work through my feelings of being diagnosed with cancer and losing my 'job' (security, support, finances, healthcare, reputation)  on my own. In that 3.5 months I was back in Fiji without PC my language skills improved immensely. I started to gain true Fijian friends, sharing intimate life stories with friends just like I would share with friends here in the US. I had this freedom to follow my heart and do what I felt was right without having to worry about if it fell into Peace Corps policies. I grew more in that 3.5 months than in my first year in Fiji. So here I am feeling thankful for the chance to be pushed further than gastro issues and difficult setbacks but to a point I never imagined possible.

**To come very soon, final wrap up and review of my projects.